So it's my birthday this weekend. It's somewhat of a milestone that I've been dreading for some time and I'm not feeling any better now that it's here, but it's here, and there it is, no stopping the march of time. It's sort of odd, this aging, I don't feel any older mentally or in spirit but my body -- my shit body that never was really anything great anyway seems to be falling apart around me. This issue with my toe that has dragged through the summer has not been a necessarily major problem but it's troubled me -- first, when it was diagnosed as gout, which seemed to me to be an older person's problem, or a heavier person's problem, but pretty much everyone said you don't have to be any older than I am (with a wink and a nod as if to say "You're pretty fucking old") and that maybe you can't drink as much as you could when you were younger (which I can't say isn't true) and maybe I should stop trying. Or something. Turns out it wasn't gout, which frightened me because we still don't really know what it is and again, my mind tripped to all kinds of mystery bone diseases that have gathered in my second toe and then I think of mortality and all that crap, something you never think about when you're young. And not when you still think you're young. It's likely just some sort of injury that probably was caused from too much running, but again, that's really not a problem for younger people. I mean, my torn ACLs in both knees, they could happen at any age (and they did for me, when I was young) but it seems like everyone is saying, "maybe it's time to stop running" and switch to cycling, which is something everyone has been saying to me for years, due to my knee problems (and ankle problems, and now "toe" problems), which is all to me another way of saying my body can't handle it any more, it's getting too fucking old. And that feels like bullshit because this spring I was running my fastest times since before my knee surgery, my fastest times in fact I'd ever recorded since I started running seriously about 6 or 7 years ago. And then a couple illnesses hit me this spring, travel for work interrupted my training, and now this toe has prevented me from running with this new form in a race. Perhaps ever again.