Losing My Mind

I think I'm at the breaking point, or the end of my breaking point.  Since January 1st, I've been working non-stop, strange hours, long days, no breaks, no time off, nothing but the pressure of it all and it's killing me.  Drinking tons of caffeine to get through the day and wired, too wired, to even think straight by the end of the day, like now, when I write this.  And I'm taking two classes at the same time, with all the homework involved, and I'm writing my thesis so I can graduate this spring, and I'm writing a novel, which is my thesis, but is more, I think, or hope, and there's research for that and insanity and doubt, and did I mention all the caffeine?  Friday night I was at a client from 6 pm until 5 in the morning, slept through some of Saturday only to wake up in the midst of Hurricane Hell here in NJ, and my fence blew down, or part of it, so I have to buy a new fence, and he came out here yesterday to give me a quote and shit it's expensive, so I have to keep working to pay for crap that I don't really even want, but the fence is hanging over and it's a disgrace and I couldn't stop staring at it on Saturday on no sleep and exhausted and hoping it wouldn't fall down but it did.  And did I mention the caffeine?  And then there's Syracuse, my favorite sports team of all sports teams (sorry Phillies fans) and they were #1 in the nation and now, it's all falling apart I'm afraid, like my mind.  But I'm trying to pay attention and hoping Arinze will be healthy but there's too much going on and I'm running my NCAA pool again of course and then entering Todd's super-complicated one that takes hours to enter but I did it anyway, because hell, I have no time, and I've got more money to throw away, so why not?  And I'm planning a party, my Final Four party and why I'm throwing it when I have no time to even breathe let alone throw a party and I have no fucking fence even but I hope it's nice out because with the number of people I invited they'll have to stand outside next to the tattered waste of a former fence and what if Syracuse is playing, but no they won't be playing, not without Arinze, and did I mention the caffeine?  And then last night, for reasons unknown to me, we had a good time, an excellent time, but I didn't get in until 3 am and then I had work today, like every day, even though I worked on Saturday until 5 am, because I'm leaving for Dallas on Monday and a report needed to be done by me, alone, again, because, well I have to pay for the party and the fence and the betting and the caffeine -- oh the caffeine -- so I sat at my desk on the most beautiful day of the year and just worked and worked until I almost died and then I had some caffeine and I almost died some more and then there was Lost and South Park which was so fucking funny and now it's after midnight and I can't even breathe but I'm wide awake, because did I mention the caffeine, and I know this isn't making any sense, but thank you for reading, and tomorrow... tomorrow, March Madness begins so I can take a break, but I can't take a break, I need a break more than I've ever needed a break, but I can't take one, I know I have to, ever so brief.  And I need to forget about work and forget about school and forget about my novel and my party and this blog and caffeine and everything else and just drink, god I need a drink, and I hope Syracuse wins.  The way Spencer looks in this video is the way I feel right now and I've felt it for 3 months.  I really need this ride to stop.

She said my name and my spirit are both corrupt and if you hold me close you gotta hold me up.

Comments

[Chuck Whitehurst]

Sounds like you've had a rough few months but that's no excuse not to use paragraphs.

[Bill]

haha!