Scene opens on a cold day in central Jersey and the snow has piled up on Bill's car, forcing him to stay inside and write on his blog, drinking the last of the leftover Circus Boys in the fridge below the bar, leftover from a party he doesn't remember having, perhaps it was just a poker game, but the Circus Boys are gone now, and he's tired, always tired, and he finishes off the bottle as he nods off to sleep.
A loud crash and a bang explode from down the stairs and a figure appears, a ghostly figure arising from the dark down the hall through the open door, where Bill sleeps at his desk, an empty bottle in his hand, and a wonderful blog on his screen as the ghost rattles its chains in menacing fashion and shakes them again when Bill doesn't wake, and his voice sounds so hollow as he moans and he quakes and he keeps shaking the chains but Bill will not wake -- shit, did he pass out again? The ghost surveys the empty Circus Boys and checks his watch. This is going to be a long one, he thinks.
Ghost: Wake the fuck up!
Bill: Huh?
Ghost: Dude, what the fuck? I ain't got all night here.
Bill: What?
Ghost: You're supposed to scream or something.
Bill: Oh, sorry, who are you?
Ghost: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Bill: Okay...
Ghost: We're going on a journey to a place long ago and far away --
Bill: Star Wars?
Ghost: No.
Bill: Avatar?
Ghost: No. Haven't you seen Scrooged?
Bill: Yeah, I guess, it kind of sucked.
Ghost: Well we're doing that, grab my arm.
Bill: We ain't going anywhere in this snow.
Ghost: Just trust me, where we're going there is no snow.
Bill: Wait, you mean hell? Shouldn't that the Future Guy?
Ghost: Oh yeah, wait. The Ghost checks his Blackberry and sees that indeed, he's thinking of the wrong destination. OK, forget it, where we're going ain't so far. But take my hand.
Bill: All right, but shouldn't you be Bob Marley or something?
Ghost: It's Jacob Marley, and he had another appointment.
Bill: Really?
Ghost: I think he's visiting Obama about that whole "change" thing to see if he remembers any of the promises he made a year ago and did the complete opposite instead.
Bill: Makes sense.
Ghost: Just grab my arm.
Bill: Well I hope we go somewhere good, because at this rate my readers are going to complain that I stick to posting music.
Ghost: Believe me, no one wants that.
Fade out. End scene.
The scene re-opens on a cold, wintry day, exterior shot of a restaurant, until the camera zooms inside a bar named "Poorbilly's", filled with patrons surrounded by tiny television screens and everyone screaming -- at the TVs, the waitresses, each other, and everything. At the front of the room, several tables have been jammed together and there sits a younger version of Bill, circa 2001.
Rudnick: Go Shaun, go Shaun!
Koren: Tackle him!
Rudnick: What! How dare you?
Koren: I'm playing against Alexander in my fantasy league.
Rudnick: Fantasy leagues are stupid. This is real football, you should be rooting for a team and not just a player.
Bill: You're just pissed that you missed the playoffs again.
Switsky: Like every year.
Koren: Haha.
Rudnick: Screw you, you fucking assholes, I'm never speaking to you again.
Bill: Woo hoo!
Todd: Nice, nice.
Koren: You hardly speak to me now.
Switsky: I'm sorry, Jon, I was just kidding, please don't be mad at me.
Rudnick: Screw you. Wait. Who are you again?
Switsky: Matt. Matt Switsky. I'm partners with Todd in your fantasy league.
Rudnick: I don't care. I'm never speaking to you again.
Switsky: Fine, what do I care? I have a beautiful wife and kids at home, I really don't need a crazy Seahawks fan in my life.
Bill: Woo hoo!
Todd: Did your wife call yet about picking up donuts on the way home?
Switsky: What?
Rudnick: Go Shaun, go Shaun!
Jan: Go Seahawks!
Bill: Excuse me Jan?
Jan: Me and Todd teased them along with the Jets and the Cardinals. Plus, if the Redskins win by less than a field goal, we get a parlay bonus as long as the Raiders don't win by 20.
Bill: Go Raiders!
Koren: They look very good this year. Again.
Bill: Well as long as Gruden is our coach, we should be fine. And he's such a young coach, he should really be there a long time.
(Present-day Bill tries to punch the ghost, but he swings and misses, because it's a ghost).
Switsky: So Eric, where you working now?Koren: Well I'm kind of between jobs right now, but I've got something lined up around the corner. I'm expecting big things.
Todd: So Jan, I heard you had a date last night?Jan: No comment.
Todd: You cannot comment on whether or not you had a date?
Jan: No comment.
Todd: You cannot comment on whether or not you can comment?
(Jan sips at his water).
Switsky: Come on Jan, we got nothing. We're two married men with children and we're lucky to get sex once a week. Please give us something.
Jan: Why must you live vicariously through me?
Todd: Did you use a broom on her?
Bill: That's disgusting.
Todd: What? I was asking if she swept up his apartment.
Jan: I will not be responding to any more of your questions.
Switsky: Today? Or ever?
Jan: At least until I turn 40. If there's no women at my 40th birthday party, then I will start to tell you everything. I promise.
(A waitress appears to take their order).
Todd: I'd love to stick a broom up --
Bill: I'll have another beer!
Rudnick: Me too.
Jan: Just a water please.
Koren: Are the Coke refills free?
Todd: Eric, how the hell did you end up getting someone to marry you?
Switsky: I might ask the same thing, you fat fuck.
Todd: Hey, she likes my winning personality.
Jan: And when do we get to see that?
Switsky: You know, we should get together, the wives and us. Now that our children aren't babies anymore.
Todd: Okay, sure. Some day soon, we'll set something up.
Koren: Can I come?
Todd/Switsky: Wow, look at those Seahawks!
Rudnick: Go Shaun, go Shaun!
(Alexander scores a touchdown and Rudnick leaps from his seat and does a lap around the restaurant).
Koren: What happened?
Todd: I don't know, I can't see the TVs.
Bill: The Seahawks scored.
Switsky: Does he always go this crazy about a stupid football game?
(Rudnick is high-fiving strangers and screaming).
Bill: He's actually kind of subdued today.
Switsky: Wow. I've never seen a grown man act like this about a football team.
Bill: He's not really grown yet. I'm sure when he gets married and has a kid he'll scale back on the obsessions.
Koren: What happened?
Todd: Nothing important, Eric, go back to your Coke.
(Chiesi enters the room).
Cheese: Hey what's up, Bill? Muller said you guys would be here. Where's Rudnick?
Bill: Doing jumping jacks by the bar.
Cheese: Oh. The Seahawks scored?
Bill: Yeah. What are you doing here?
Cheese: Oh, a bunch of us are watching the Giants game in the other room. We're actually playing a little poker, too, just to pass the time.
Switsky: You guys play cards?
Cheese: Every once in a while. We were actually thinking about starting a Texas hold-em league, but I don't know. It seems like a lot of effort.
Bill: Those things never last.
Switsky: Let me know, I might be interested in playing, you know, every once in a while.
Cheese: Okay, sure. Who are you?
Jan: Are you ready for the softball season, Cheese?
Cheese: Huh?
Jan: It's only four months away.
Cheese: I played with you guys once, just to fill in as a favor to Muller.
Bill: You should play this year. We could always use extra players.
Cheese: I don't know, maybe. But don't you guys suck?
Jan: We expect to be a lot better this year. I expect nothing less than an 18-0 record.
Todd: They suck.
Bill: He's right.
Koren: How's your knees Bill? I thought you stopped playing.
Bill: Oh, they're OK. I'm sure I'll be fine to play. It's only softball, right?
Switsky: You know, Todd used to be a great pitcher for our teams back in the day.
(Chiesi laughs).
Cheese: Oh wait, you were serious?
Koren: He was surprisingly good.
Jan: I keep trying to get the fat fuck out to our games but he never shows.
Bill: We could use a new pitcher.
Cheese: I thought Rudnick was your pitcher.
(Rudnick returns to the table, out of breath and gasping after his celebration of a touchdown for his 6-6 Seahawks in a game against the then lowly Cowboys).
Jan: We could use a new pitcher.
Waitress: Which type of beer would you like for your pitcher?
Jan: Oh no, water is fine.
Rudnick: Happy Festivus, everyone!
Bill: Happy Festivus!
Koren: Venomous?
Bill: No, Festivus.
Koren: What the hell is Festivus?
Cheese: It's some stupid Seinfeld crap that these two idiots celebrate.
Rudnick & Bill: Nice, nice.
Switsky: Did you get the pole out of the crawl-space?
Koren: What pole?
Rudnick: There's a pole instead of a Christmas tree, made out of aluminum.
Todd: Are there any decorations?
Bill: No, I find tinsel distracting.
Rudnick: Nice, nice.
Switsky: What the hell is up with all those "Nice, nice"s. What does that mean anyway?
(Everyone silently looks up at the television screens).
Jan: Did that quarterback just fumble the ball?
Switsky: I think so. He kind of pump-faked but held onto the ball and then got tackled. No way they can call that a forward pass.
Todd: Yeah, the ball was clearly tucked back into position.
Jan: Nice, I have the Bengals defense.
Switsky: You have seven different defenses.
Todd: And all on crappy teams.
Jan: I know what I'm doing.
Koren: But you haven't had a running back since week 6.
Todd: And you've lost 5 straight to miss the playoffs for the 8th straight year.
Jan: That's Ira's fault. He made us trade Marvin Harrison. Once I have a team of my own, I'll be winning this league every year.
Todd: Just try to make the playoffs first.
Jan: Playoffs? Playoffs? We're talking playoffs?
Rudnick: Oh shit, they overruled the play. Not a fumble!
Bill: What? That's ridiculous. How can that not be a fumble? He wasn't even close to making a forward motion. That's the dumbest call I've seen in the history of sports.
Switsky: Well at least it's in a meaningless game. Imagine if that happened in the playoffs.
Bill: That would totally suck I guess.
(Stacey and Brian Ward enter).
Rudnick: It's a Festivus miracle!
Stacey: Hey.
Bill: Happy Festivus!
Brian: Happy Festivus!
Stacey: Whatever.
Koren: I'm still confused. Who started this Festivus thing?
Stacey: George's father, Frank Costanza.
Rudnick: Many Christmases ago, he went to buy a doll for his son. He reached for the last one they had -- but so did another man. As he rained blows upon him, he realized there had to be a better way.
Cheese: You guys need help.
Bill: You have no idea.
Stacey: Nice, nice.
Switsky (to Todd): I'm sorry, I really can't hang out with your friends anymore. They're a bunch of idiots.
Todd: They're not my friends. I just wanted to know whether Jan stuck it up that girl's --
Jan: Why must you live vicariously through me?!
Bill: Nice, nice.
Switsky: Oh my god, I have to leave.
Rudnick: It's a Festivus miracle!
Bill: Woo hoo!
Switsky: Eric, Jan, good to see you. The rest of you, thank god I'll never hang out with you losers again.
(Switsky exits.)
Cheese: I have to get back to my table too. Tomazic was trying to order Chinese food for the table.
Jan: Don't forget about softball.
Cheese: I'll think about it, but I doubt it. I can't see myself playing softball with you idiots.
Bill: Woo hoo!
(Chiesi leaves).
Stacey: So Don called my house earlier and said he needed to find John Yacka.
Rudnick: It's Sunday.
Stacey: He said it was an emergency, he needed him to print out a drawing for Lego.
Bill: John printed that out for him last week. I saw him standing there and accept it.
Stacey: Then he tried to page Virginia while I was still on the phone.
Brian: What did you do?
Stacey: I put him into voice mail.
Rudnick: I think he's losing it. Thank god we have Bob in charge.
Bill: Yeah, imagine what would happen to our company if Don were in charge.
Stacey: We'd all be out of jobs, for one thing.
Todd: Nice, nice.
Bill: Woo hoo!
Rudnick: Go Shaun, go Shaun!
Koren: Can I get another Coke?
Jan: I refuse to comment.
Brian (to his wife): Why did you want to stop by here again?
Stacey: No idea. I really shouldn't ever be spending time with these idiots.
Rudnick: Happy Festivus!
The scene closes on an inebriated Bill rolling his eyes while Rudnick celebrates as the Seahawks stop the Cowboys on 2nd down. The ghost returns Bill to his house.
Bill: Okay, I get it, I get it, I lived a sad and pathetic life centered around fantasy sports and the Raiders. But I've moved on from that. I watched maybe three Raiders games the last five years.
Ghost: Oh. That's what you got out of that?
Bill: Yes. I understand you're trying to enlighten me, but I've learned my lesson. I've moved past all that.
Ghost: Well actually, the vision was supposed to be of a wonderful memory of your past, so you'd change your ways now, to be more like the past.
Bill: Really?
Ghost: (checking his Blackberry): I might have sent us to the wrong time period.
Bill: You think?
Ghost: Damn, I knew I should have gotten an iPhone.
Bill: What are you saying?
Ghost: Happy Festivus?
Bill: Listen, I think you should leave.
Ghost: Good idea. I've got another gig anyway. Little boy down the road here won't eat his broccoli.
Bill: Okay....
Ghost: But you will be visited by two more ghosts tonight, and they will show you the true meaning of the holiday season.
Bill: Festivus?
Ghost: No, Christmas.
Bill: Oh yeah.
And with that the Ghost disappears. The second installment will appear tomorrow.
Love the picture of Shaun! Go Hawks!!
Posted by: MVP | December 22, 2009 at 08:59 AM
ecellent first part cant wait for the rest.
Posted by: switsky | December 22, 2009 at 09:33 AM