Bill has fallen asleep again, this time in his bed, with a splitting headache and a belief that he was just dreaming of the strange ghost's appearance and the trip to Poorbilly's, a restaurant long since closed. He hears another bang and clatter that shakes him from slumber and as he opens his eyes, he sees the harrowing figure of a large, shape-shifting beast, but not Switsky, just a ghost, another one and after the fright wears off, he realizes he's awake. And not dreaming.
Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Bill: Cool, Christmas presents.
Ghost: No, you fool, Present, as in this time in history.
Bill: Huh?
Ghost: "Past" warned me about you -- you're a little show on the uptake, right?
Bill: What?
Ghost: Just get your ass up, we've got places to go.
Bill: Fine, but if it's another sports bar I'm going to be pissed. I still have a hangover.
Ghost: It's not a sports bar, I promise. It's someplace much, much worse...
Fade out. End scene.
The scene re-opens on a warm summer evening, with a shot of a softball field in Manalapan, New Jersey, where a team of old men in odd gray uniforms with "Rounders" on the front are warming up to play a much younger and better dressed team, while a crowd gathers and rain threatens to put a damper on the beautiful summer day.
Bill: Wait, what the fuck, softball?
Ghost: Yes, this is your Christmas Present.
Bill: But this shit happened in July, shouldn't it be a present-day Christmas scene? You know, some family that's suffering because of me.
Ghost: Well... um... (checks his Blackberry). You know, this system's been screwing up lately. My e-mail was down a whole day last week.
Bill: You should have gotten an iPhone.
Ghost: No shit. Fucking AT&T and their monopoly.
A not so young anymore Bill is sitting in the dugout with Chiesi and Lenny.
Jan: Are you guys going to help out shagging flies?
Cheese: Jan, we've been warming up for an hour. We're done.
Jan: This is a huge game tonight. We need to get everyone pumped!! Does anyone else need some swings?
Three Rounders outfielders are huddled near the fence, not paying attention. Bill, Cheese, and Lenny go back to making fun of Jan. Pitcher Matt is bent over in exhaustion after throwing warm-up pitches for an hour. Shawn is sprinting back and forth between 2nd base and the outfield fence, ending on a cartwheel. Bianco looks up.
Bianco: What did you say Jan?
Jan: (dejected) Nothing, let's bring it in.
Switsky and a clan of children and dogs arrive at the park. His wife heads over to a couple other wives on the bench. Switsky heads for the dugout.
Switsky: What's going on, fellows? Are we going to win tonight?
Shawn: Hell yeah!
Cheese: Anything possible.
Lenny: I doubt it.
Bill: (laughing)
Jan: Listen, everyone let's huddle 'round, huddle 'round.
No one moves. Several players are slowly making their way in from the outfield. Shawn is sucking down water after sweating off three pounds in the pre-game sprints. Bill is still laughing.
Jan: Okay, listen, we all know that these are not your father's Rounders. (more sounds of laughter from the bench). We have a good team, we can compete with anyone this year, and if we win this game, we get a bye in the playoffs. I want everyone to play hard the whole game and let's just start strong and have a little fun out there. Okay, now let's get together here. Is everyone ready?
Bianco: What?
Matt: Who's in the field first?
Cheese: (to Lenny and Switsky) No, it was Ace - King suited!
Bill: (still laughing)
Jill A: Anyone want some oranges?
Switsky: Is Norbert here yet?
No one else is listening. BP wanders past Jan into the dugout.
BP: Go Rounders.
Jan: All right! Let's hit the field.
Todd arrives while we're in the field. Jill offers him oranges but Switsky says he hasn't eaten a fruit in 27 years. Rudnick arrives because he'd be pissed if he weren't in this post. There are runners on 2nd and 3rd.
Rudnick: Why is Bill in the field with 17 knee braces on? Shouldn't he be the DH?
Todd: Or not playing?
Switsky: It took him 20 minutes to get from the car to the bench.
Rudnick: I'm in pain just watching him out there.
Todd: Not in as much pain as the opposing batter trying to fight off the glare from Jan's head.
Switsky: He should really wear a hat.
The batter fouls off a pitch.
Jan: Time out, ump.
Ump: Time is already out, it's a foul ball.
Jan approaches the pitcher. Bill takes a moment to adjust his knee braces. BP takes a seat in the outfield. Shawn is doing backflips off the outfield fence.Jan: Up and in, Matt, come on let's get this guy.
Todd: Did he just tell him "up and in" again?
Switsky: I think so.
Todd: Doesn't he know that never works?
Rudnick: I think he thinks after 20 years maybe a batter will swing at a pitch at his head and foul it off.
Switsky: They usually don't do that when he announces it right before the pitch.
Todd: He doesn't really announce it, does he?
Ump: Okay, time is in.
Jan (shouting): UP AND IN, MATT!
Ump: Ball three.
Jan: Time out, ump.
The batter stares out at the shortstop in shock. Jan runs into the mound again. BP is now sound asleep in the outfield. Rich takes a seat as well. Shawn is doing pushups. Bill is almost finished adjusting his knee braces.
Ump: Okay, time is in.
Lenny: Go get 'em, Matt!
Switsky: Throw a strike, Matt!
Rudnick: This game is boring me.
Todd: Seriously, can we find Jan a hat?
Jill A: (typing on her computer in the stands)
Cheese: Come on, Matt!
Jan: (to himself) Be like Jeter, be like Jeter.
Sufjan Stevens: What's the score?
Emma: (bark)
The batter smokes a line drive into left field.
Jan: 2nd base, Rich, 2nd base!
Rich wakes up just in time to go for the ball
Switsky: Oh shit, I think it's over his head!
Bianco runs toward the fence. BP is still sitting on the OF grass. Rich makes an incredible diving catch. The runner from 2nd runs back to tag up.
Jan: 2nd base, Rich!
Switsky: Third base, Rich!
Todd: Third base!
Everyone else on the field: Third base!
Jan: (running out to take the cut off): 2nd base, Rich!
Rich throws it to Jan, who throws it to 2nd. The runner approaching 2nd retreats to first. The runner at 2nd scampers to third. Bill stands there with the ball at 2nd base with no one to tag. He adjusts his knee brace.
Jan: Time out, ump.
Rudnick: Why the hell did Jan yell "2nd base"?
Switsky: No one knows.
Rudnick: And why was he shouting for the outfielder to throw the ball before he even caught it?
Todd: No one knows.
Rudnick: And why does he call time out after every single pitch?
Tyler: He's a fucking idiot.
Robyn: Watch your language!
Sufjan Stevens: He is kind of right.
Emma: (bark)
The next batter swings at the first pitch and hits a short grounder down the third base line.
Cheese: Oh shit.
Lenny: Pounce!
Matt: (stumbles on the mound and falls)
Jan: 2nd base, Rich!
Bill: (makes a move forward and hears 3 ligaments pop in his leg).
Shawn: (running laps in the outfield)
Lenny: Somebody, pounce!
BP: (laughs from the outfield)
Jan: Time out, ump!
Ump: The ball is still live!
Cheese picks up the ball 7 seconds after it comes to a complete stop and the runner from third scores. Everyone is safe.
Bianco: Fuck!!!!
Jan: Time out, ump!
Opposing Player: If you call 'time out' one more fucking time in this game, I'm shoving this bat down your throat.
Todd: Whoa, calm down -- ump, you have to throw this guy out of the game.
Ump: Sorry, man, I gotta agree with him.
Todd: That's fair.
Tyler: What a bunch of fucking idiots.
Emma: (bark)
The opponent scores 16 more runs with 2 outs and the disheartened Rounders return to the dugout. Bill gets help from Shawn, who carries his leg into the dugout ahead of him. They still beat BP to the bench.
Jan: Okay, everyone get together, let's huddle up.
Lenny: (laughs)
Cheese (to Shawn): But they were suited!
Todd (to the pitcher): Please stop listening to Jan -- throw a low, flat pitch with 2 strikes, they can't hit it.
Bianco: Fucking asshole motherfuckers.
Cheese (to Switsky): And then he turns over the river and it's another heart.
Switsky: Holy shit.
Rudnick: Why isn't anyone talking about me?
Bill: (silently weeping in pain)
Rich: What's the score?
Lenny: 17 to 0.
BP: (finally enters dugout) Fuck you, Jan.
Jan: Okay, good meeting.
Bianco steps to the plate and swings at the first pitch. He flies out to left.
Switsky: Where's Norbert?Jan: I'm not sure. His wife is here.
Lenny: Where?
Jan: The Hispanic girl in the stands. That's got to be his wife, there's no other Hispanics on the team.
BP: That's my girlfriend.
Rich: And my cousin.
Bill: You've met her over my house at least twice.
Jan: Oh.
Todd: They all look alike anyway.
Rudnick: He makes a good point.
Switsky: True.
BP: (lights a cigarette): Fuck you, Jan.
Lenny: Nice, nice.
Shawn is puking in the woods from running too much. Sufjan Stevens is openly rooting for the other team. Emma is barking. Cheese is talking to no one in particular.
Cheese: So he goes all in and I'm just trying to hold in my laughter.
Rudnick: Seriously, this post has absolutely nothing to do with me, why am I here?
Switsky: It's not even Christmas-y. Is that a word?
Todd: Only if a Jew says it.
Jill A: You know, you should really say the full word.
Todd: Jew...y?
Bill: Nice, nice.
Lenny: I knew we couldn't go two posts without the Jew jokes coming out.
Bill: 'Tis the season.
Cheese: So I go over the top, even though I know I had more chips than him. It was hilarious.
BP: (coughs and lights a second cigarette)
Rich: (flies out to left)
Bianco: Fuck.
Rudnick: I think the Seahawks are going to be good this year.
Sufjan Stevens: (laughs)
Todd: Did you hear the one about the rabbi, the priest, and Racquel Welch stranded on a boat?
Jan: (hits a blooper down the right field line, just like Jeter)
Cheese: And then Nick was so pissed he just got up and left the table.
The outfielder falls down in pursuit of the ball.
Bianco: Run, Jan, you slow fuck!
Rudnick: I think last year was just a fluke. Now that Hasselbeck is back.
Todd: So Racquel Welch goes 'Those are buoys'!
Cheese: And then Tracey dropped her tits on the table.
The outfielder still isn't at the ball. Jan still isn't at second.
Lenny: I have Hasselbeck rated as my 23rd best QB, but he could make the top 20 with a good preseason.
Bianco: Jesus Christ did he get slow.
Switsky: Who? Hasselbeck?
Todd: Fucking Jews.
Rudnick: F Switsky.
Emma: (bark).
Jan dives head first into second. There is no throw. In fact, the other team isn't really even paying attention anymore, as Sufjan Stevens is singing "Chicago" on their bench. Shawn returns to the bench briefly but then has to run back and puke some more. Jill A. offers him an orange. Jan tries to call time out. No one listens.
Bill: You're up, Mike.
BP: Oh fuck. (sets down his cigarette). Watch that for me.
Todd: Watch the "up and in", Mike. It's the toughest pitch in the sport!
Switsky: 2nd base, Jan!
Jan: (from second base) What?
Switsky and Todd are laughing. Bianco curses again. Bill is trying in vain to pop his knee back into place. Emma has passed out from boredom.
Matt: Good hustle, Jan!
Switsky and Todd laugh.
Rudnick: Are you guys going to Jan's 40th birthday party?
Bianco: Shh... it's a surprise.
BP smacks a long fly ball to deep left.
Rich: I'm going to the Yankee game tomorrow.
Todd: I hear there's going to be some hot chicks there.
Rich: At the Yankee game?
Todd: No, at Jan's surprise party. I hear there's going to be Jay and Darryl and Eric Koren.
Switsky: Those are guys.
Todd: Yes, and they're the closest we'll have to women, unless you count his mother.
Switsky: She doesn't count.
Matt: Wait, there's not going to be any women there?
BP's fly ball goes out of the park. He walks to first and then heads back to the dugout. Jan rounds the bases and heads to the dugout.
Bianco: Quiet, we need to keep the surprise.
Switsky: Surrrrrrprise... it's a sausage fest!
Cheese: (laughs)
Todd: Mmm... sausage.
Jan: All right guys, we got two back, we're right back in this game.
Lenny and Rudnick laugh. Bill screams as he tries to stand. Todd is looking for something to eat.
Jan: Shawn, you're up!
Cheese: (laughs)
Lenny: You know, the Yankees payroll isn't actually any higher than last year, if you think that payroll is meaningful, which we all know it isn't.
BP: What?
Jan: Where's Shawn?
Cheese: (laughs)
Bill: Nice, nice.
Rudnick: Okay, I'm out of here. I'm a very busy man.
Switsky: (laughs)
Lenny: I was saying that contrary to the opinion of 99% of the viewing public and so-called baseball experts, payroll is basically meaningless in terms of the overall winning ability of the clubs. There's so many other factors, I mean, I guess you could say that a team like Toronto or Baltimore is a little bit, ever so slightly, inhibited, since they play in the AL East, but that's rather debatable, especially in light of Tampa's performance last season.
Bill: So you've got Yankee tickets?
Rich: Yeah, it should be a good time.
Shawn emerges from the woods just in time to ground out to first. The Rounders re-take the field, trailing 17-2. The game continues for another 4 innings before the mercy rule is applied. The teams take a five minute break between the first and second game. The watching crowd, other than Sufjan Stevens, has left. Sufjan is playing catch with Emma the dog.
Lenny: That's all we got, one goddamn hit?
Switsky: You can't say goddamn in the blog.
Lenny: Don't worry, no one's reading anyway.
Switsky: Seriously, this is the longest post ever.
Lenny: I don't even think he knows the point anymore.
Sufjan Stevens: Didn't this start out as a Christmas post at some point? Where are the carolers? The snow? The peace and joy?
Switsky: Oh yeah, Surfer Jan, I been meaning to tell you, your Christmas music sucks.
Bill: Blasphemy!
Todd: The Jews don't know what that means.
Sufjan Stevens: Well your dog sucks.
Robyn runs over and smacks Sufjan in the face.
Lenny: Nice, nice.
Todd: Hi Robyn, my name is Todd. I've been best friends with your husband for 20 years even though we've never met. You have lovely children.
Cheese: (laughs)
Shawn: Okay, let's get ready to play! I just sucked down another four 5-hour energy drinks!
Bill: Woo hoo!
Norbert arrives.
BP: Jan, I'm playing catcher. I'm exhausted.
Switsky: I'm exhausted just reading this. Is there an ending?
Norbert: Did we win the first game?
Cheese, Bill, Rich, and BP laugh.
Lenny: Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this "olé" bullshit!
Bill: That's as good an ending as any.
And with that the scene fades out and Bill is returned to his house with the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Bill: Okay, I think the point was that I'm still wasting my time with these idiots, even if it's not playing fantasy football, and I really need to move on with my life?
Ghost: (checking his Blackberry) No.
Bill: Hmm... is it that I should stop playing softball because it's killing my knees and in the future you're going to show me in a wheelchair?
Ghost: (checking the Blackberry again). No. Well, yes, on the wheelchair, but no that wasn't the point of the flashback.
Bill: Okay... it wasn't that I shouldn't drink six 5-hour energy drinks before playing softball in 90-degree temperatures, is it?
Ghost: Well no, that should be obvious to anyone.
Bill: Something about the Jews?
Ghost: Eh.
Bill: The Christians?
Ghost: You're getting warmer.
Bill: You don't have a clue, do you?
Ghost: Not really. But I'm sure it will all make sense in the next installment.
Bill: I sure hope so.
Thanks again for reading. Come back tomorrow for the conclusion of "A Christmas Tale".
The clevelnad defense should have made the post.
Posted by: switsky | December 23, 2009 at 09:32 AM
I really only yell "Pounce!" for a dribbler in front of the plate. The catcher should be the one pouncing.
And the Yankee payroll is lower again, in spite of Vasquez.
Posted by: LegFuJohnson | December 23, 2009 at 11:35 AM
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