The Best Party Ever

...is the name of an album by The Boy Least Likely To.   Jan's surprise 40th birthday party on Friday night was, well, something else entirely.  Here's the recap:

We gathered in the patio room at Champppppppppppppppps, where they had set up two large-screen TVs and pieced together about 20 small tables into one large, awkward mass, which sort of describes the composition of those that attended the party.  We took our seats after a few plates of samplers were set out by the serving staff, and I made my first good call of the evening.

Howie:  "You want to sit here?"
Bill:  "Why don't we move over next to Todd?"
Howie:  "Why?"
Bill:  "I just think we should move."
(Eric Koren takes the seat next to us.)
Howie: "Oh, okay.  No problem."

I had to abandon Lenny in the process, but in a situation like that, it's every man for himself.  Of course, karma came around to bite me in the ass when Guitar Ralph made a surprise appearance and planted himself next to me for the night, but hey, what are you going to do?

Howie:  "I heard that no women were invited tonight."

Todd:  "Yeah, I called to RSVP and they said my wife couldn't come."

Rud:  "Same thing happened to me."

Todd: "Is it because they knew Jan is frightened around women?"

(No one responds).

Todd: "Jay just called.  They're on their way."

Switsky: "Is Jay's mom coming tonight?"

Lenny: "I heard she's jumping out of the cake."

Todd: "I heard she's jumping into Jan's pants."

Rud: "That's a disturbing image."

Todd: "Not as disturbing as the picture of Jan from high school graduation."

Rud: "Good point."

Jan's mother arranged the party and she did a very nice job, especially with the original guest list, which didn't feature me or Lenny or Howie.  Of course, Switsky and Rudnick were jealous that we'd get to avoid the trauma of the evening and Matt made Todd call Mrs. Aronson to make sure invites were sent out for each of us.  I'd like to say we were glad to be there, but I'd be lying.  We did miss a poker game that night and Howie missed a chance to have his wife yell at him for spending too much time on the computer while she was watching the kids.  So there were upsides and downsides.  At least I got free beer, although I took it easy on the drinking.  I didn't want to burden the Aronsons with a bill that reflected a gentile's ability to drink.  They probably don't interact too much with any drinking anything stronger than Manischewitz.

Todd:  (on the phone) "Jan's in the parking lot.  Jay says there's some commotion out there because some idiot in a van parked in a handicapped spot and some woman in a wheelchair had to park far away and her battery died going up a ramp and she fell all the way down the slope!"

Switsky: "That's ridiculous."

Rudnick:  "I hope they're not defacing the van.  How am I going to get home?"

Switsky: "Oh, it's always all about you, isn't it?"

It took some time for Jay and Bones to figure out how to get Jan into the room without raising his suspicion, but if they were smart, they could have just said "Jan, go into that room."  It's really not that hard to fool him.  Although, looking back, perhaps they were just convincing him not to go to the bathroom.  No one really needed to wait another half hour for the festivities to begin. 

And boy were there festivities, let me tell you.  There was a big "Surprise!" and then Jan greeted his friends and relatives while the strippers were setting up their show in the corner.  Oh wait, wrong party.  This one was 30 guys sitting around watching the Yankees and Mets game and eating appetizers from Champps.  Good times.

I don't remember much from the rest of the night.  I do remember having a nice, long, multi-hour conversation with GuitarRalph.  I remember being shocked to see Norbert at the other end of the room, on time for the first time in history.  I remember meeting Jan's brother, which believe me, is something I will not forget.  And I remember Ira checking his Blackberry every 6 seconds for the Red Sox score and/or news from his wife that there might be some emergency he'd have to rush home for.  Alas, he was there for the long haul, as were the rest of us.

There were multiple discussions about the miracle Rounders victory the night before, and multiple discussions about various versions of Sneaker Asylum/Redrum softball teams that Jan and his friends played for before they merged with the Rounders some time ago.  You know, if Rudnick hadn't met Koren at Poorbilly's a decade and a half ago, he wouldn't have met Jan, he wouldn't have invited him to play on our softball team, and the Staten Island players never would have started playing for our team.  So we could have folded the softball team when Rud and Yacka and Muller stopped playing years ago and my knee wouldn't be hurting me right now as I type all this.  But I guess, on the other hand, we never would have met Todd and Switsky if not for Koren.  Still looking for the bright side in all of this...

Jan's cousin: "Speech!"

Bones: "Speech!"

Everybody:  "Speech!"

Jan:  "Ok, settle down.  I'd like to thank my parents for this party and keeping this secret from me.  What a surprise.  Stranger baseball.  Rounders.  Redrum.  Stranger baseball.  F Switsky.  F Lenny.  Stranger baseball.  F Jeter.  I want maximum effort from everyone.  Thanks for coming!"

Todd:  "That sounds like his pickup line to Mary."

Bill: "I don't think it worked."

Switsky: "She did take his number, she just didn't call."

Todd: "Perhaps she couldn't read the number since it was on such a small slip of paper."

Rud: "Who's Mary?"

Switsky: "She used to be a waitress at Fox & Hound and one time during March Madness --"

Rud: "Is this about me?"

Switsky: "No."

Rud:  "I've lost interest."

Lenny: "Pounce!"

Ira: "What does that mean?"

Switsky laughs.  Koren looks confused.  Ira goes back to his Blackberry.  Guitarralph discusses his knee surgeries with me.  Dan, in heaven, thanks god for sparing him from the event. 

We reminisce about Bones getting hit in the face with the ball playing outfield for our team a couple years ago.  Todd makes a crack about how many people in the room had balls in their faces over the years.  The Village People walk in and say the party is a little too gay for them.  And then the strippers came!  Oh wait, wrong party again.  Instead, we picked the draft order for our fantasy football team... oh what a fun partying crowd!

Jan: "And with the twelfth pick of the 2009 EFFL draft... (pause for dramatic effect)... Six Case!"

Koren: "Who's that?"

Bill: "It's me.  You can go ahead and have the draft on Labor Day weekend.  I don't want to be involved."

Koren: "Listen, the 12th pick is probably the best pick of the draft!"

Bill: "This is why you never win the league."

Later, we're still picking, and Jan continues to pause for dramatic effect after every pick.  It's getting rather annoying.  But there was a funny moment.

Jan: "And with the 6th pick of the 2009 EFFL draft... (pause for no reason whatsover)... Tarzan!"

Koren: "Who's that?"

Switsky: "It's you."

Koren: "Huh?  Why am I Tarzan?"

Jan, Switsky, Todd, Bill, and Rud stare dumbfounded.  Koren keeps smiling.  And then the strippers came!  Oh wait, still not yet.  Howie is sleeping in the corner.  Yacka arrives but looks like he just woke up.  Lenny and Jan's brother are having a discussion about the WWE.  And Jan starts opening his gifts.  Well, at least the one that me, Lenny, and Switsky chipped in for -- a vintage 2009 Derek Jeter Yankee T-shirt with Jan's last name on the back.  Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen him more excited in his life.  Defnitely the best gift ever, if I do say so myself.  You can see the picture below.  And remember, this was the highlight of the party.

  

And that was about it.  Thirty guys.  No girls.  At least 25 Jews.  And dueling Rangers/Yankees games on television at Champps while Jan sipped water and talked about softball.  Actually, that's probably the greatest night of his life, so I guess he was happy.  The rest of us?  Still waiting on the strippers, I suppose.  At least Switsky's car didn't get towed.  And I hope somebody woke Howie up before they left.  That would be a shame if his wife got mad at him for that disaster of a party.  Pounce!

(By the way, I think I got home by 10.  Party animals, I tell you!)

Comments

[LegFuJohnson]

Nice, nice.

[jonrud12]

Excellent post. Especially the parts about me.

[Jan]

From what I was told (as I obviously had no knowledge of a party and thus no input,) they tried booking the girls/strippers from the author's annual Vermont/Labor Day beer festival, but apparently 13 year olds are not legal in Jersey.

[switsky]

Can you get off your lazy ass already and post something new.

[Nike Shox Rivalry]

Today is too precious, should not worry for acid bitter and astringent regrets that way. The chin up, make thoughts, like ChunYang next leap springs. Seize today, it never comes back.

[air jordan 8]

So wonderful post.I want to leave a comment for you.I am also a fan of fashion "EXPO", thanks for sharing. WISH YOU DO MORE GOOD JOB IN THE FUTURE.WTOIWRGS.

[coach factory outlet]

Love it, love it, love it!*

[Air Jordans]

yes you are right!

[Air Jordan Basket]

oh it's so great!

[Taobao shopping service]

#ce n'est pas la fête pour

[Shop taobao]

* be happy together is good enough. I am not asking for things that I could never get.

[Betty @ Purse Party]

wow looks like you really had a blast!! It was a very7 detailed post that I feel like I am there myself.

[order cigarettes]

This is really good article. But from Europe your blog are to slow:( I dont know why!

[Lift]

OMG that is great! I love your work! Guess I am not as contemporaneous as your regular readers! I swear I have fallen in love with your blog... Breathtaking writing! You're an amazingly talented person, keep up the individuality :)