Dim Sum

The only think I knew about Dim Sum was that the members of The Amazing Race forums on TWoP always meet the day after the big season finale party in NYC for Dim Sum at a local Chinese restaurant.  It seemed like a cool thing, even though I had no idea what it was or why I thought it was cool.  Today I found out.  And here are the results.

I walk into the Crown Palace off Route 18 in Marlboro to meet my party -- a table of twelve, including 10 Jews, a Chinese-American, a pregnant woman, several children, and Robyn Switsky.  No, this is not the beginning of an off-color joke.  This is my life.

Waiter 1:  "Huānyíng guānglín"

Jon:  "Xièxie."

Waiter 2:  "Wǔān."

Jon: "Zhèiwèi xiānsheng huì qīngdān/máidān."

Rud: "What the fuck did you just say?"

Waiters and Jon:  "Ha ha ha ha"

We settle down into a meal of sorts, as an army of waiters wheeling small carts of appetizer-like dishes travel through the restaurant, dispensing requested foodstuffs on our table.  Jill and our resident Chinese-American Jon handle the ordering.  The table quickly fills with food.

Switsky: "I love this dish."

Jill: "It's the house specialty - eggplant with ground up chicken parts."

Switsky: "Delicious.  And what's that?"

Jill: "Curdled bean curd."

Switsky: "I love that dish.  Order another one."

Dan: "Anyone want some of this -- brown colored lump of unknown meat?"

Switsky: "I'll take some."

Waiter:  "Order of tripe?"

Switsky: "Oh yes, I love that."

Bill: "What is that?"

Jill: "Sheep's intenstines."

Switsky: "Oh my god, it's delicious."

Waiter:  "Xiaolongbao?"

Switsky: "Yes, please."

Jon: "Matt, that's a dumpling of used fish intestines and dirt."

Switsky: "Order two."

I tentatively take a taste of a shrimp-flavored dish.  It's mildly edible.  Dan avoids the shrimp due to an allergy and his lack of an immune system.  Jackson and Mason refuse to eat out of abject fear.  Tyler tries to eat but the hair keeps getting in his way.  Jill and Larry share a plate of spare ribs.  Amy pulls a whisker from her meal.

Waiter 1:  "Zheng jiao?"

Rud: "Yeah, I'll take a beer."

Jon:  "He was asking if you want the steamed dumplings."

Waiter 1: "Zheng jiao?"

Rud: "Samuel Adams?"

Waiter 2: "Chiu Chau fun guo?"

Rud: "Sam - u - el A- dams."

Bill: "Get a Tsingtao."

Larry: "That is so racist."

Bill: "That's the name of their beer!"

Rud: "That's still pretty racist."

Bill: "Oh, just keep reading..."

The restaurant fills with another large party of Americans who are not nearly as well-behaved as my party of Jews.  I will say one thing about the Jews -- they are very polite.  In the meantime, the waiters take a brief reprieve from filling our table with unappetizing meals to practice some kung fu in the back and do a little advanced calculus while driving too slow in the left lane.

Bill: "What is this dish?"

Jill: "Shrimp in noodles"

Bill: "And this one?"

Jill:  "Shrimp dumpling."

Bill: "Is there anything on here that isn't flavorless shrimp wrapped in dough?"

No one responds.  Dan has a mild seizure when Tyler drops a piece of shrimp next to him.  Rud is upset that this post isn't all about him.

Larry: "You know, you can order something off the menu."

Bill: "Oh yeah, like what?"

Larry:  "Like a regular Chinese lunch -- orange chicken or pork lo mein or something."

Bill:  "What about chicken wings?"

Rud: "Oh they have lots of chinkywinks, believe me."

The waiters return with menus and the Switsky children order fried wontons, soup, and rice.  Apparently, they were out of chicken fingers, Tyler's favorite.

Tyler: "F Bill."

Robyn: "I second that -- well, I don't approve of the implied curse, but I do second that."

Rud: "Go Seahawks!"

Jill:  "What?"

Rud: "Have you seen my scrapbook yet, Robyn?"

Robyn: "Scrapbook?"

Rud: "It's a compilation of highlights from my EFFL championship."

Robyn: "EFFL?  Isn't that your stupid fantasy football league?"

Switsky: "Yes."

Robyn:  "You made a scrapbook for a fantasy football league?"

Rud: "Yes."

Robyn: "Don't you know that's imaginary?"

Rud: "Well, my mom made it for me."

Tyler: "How fucking old are you?"

Switsky: "Tyler!  Watch your language."

Robyn: "He's got a point though."

Dan:  "Poor Amy."

Rud: "Go Seahawks!"

The waiters make a lap with some choice desserts -- "fresh" fruit and congealed custards that taste just like all the previous dishes.  Apparently sugar is not a delicacy in the mainland.

Rud:  "What is this sauce on the shrimp with bacon?"

Larry: "That's the cream of sum-yung-guy."

Melluse: "Wow, it's delicious."

Switsky: "When did Melluse get here?"

Sufjan Stevens:  "I'm not sure.  Can you pass me a dumpling?"

Melluse: "And some sticky rice."

Tyler:  "That's disgusting."

The discussion at the table centers around world affairs, the economic meltdown, preliminary assessments of Obama's success in the geopolitical atmosphere and our best guesses about the future of interest rates with respect to housing costs and the credit markets.  Or we were talking about American Idol.  I'm not sure.

Waiter: "Chinchao suk dos chinow?"

Larry: "Wait a second, are you just making up Chinese phrases now?"

Bill: "I got tired of looking them up."

Amy: "That's pretty offensive."

Jon: "This is easily your most offensively racist post yet."

Bill: "Come on, no one's still reading at this point."

The waiters refill our waters for the seventh time.  Everyone at the table gulps down another free glass.  Either the Jews really don't like paying for additional drinks or the water reminds them of the flavor of every dish we've eaten.

Dan:  "What does the name 'Dim Sum' come from?"

Larry:  "It was a WWF event featuring Big John Studd against Mr. Fuji, fought with long noodles and shrimp."

Switsky: "That's the subject of our top selling DVD."

Dan: "So now you're just telling bad jokes?"

Bill: "I've run out of material.  And it's late.  And snowing."

Sufjan Stevens: "This might be time to wrap things up."

Chiesi: "But there hasn't even been a poker conversation in this yet."

Jon: "And Switsky got runner-runner jack to suck out on the river -- there you've heard every poker story told for the past year."

Melluse: "Wait, I have a story."

Chiesi: "No one wants to hear about your suck outs."

Amy: "Check please."

The waiter tabulates our check using an abacus, a jade crystal, and a monkey paw. 

Switsky:  "Look at him, he's so upset that no one is talking about him."

Bill: "I know."

Switsky:  "It's great, he's miserable."

Bill: "Why are we so happy when he's miserable?"

Switsky: "I'm not sure."

Tyler: "What do you think, Jonathan?"

Rud: "Huh?"

Tyler: "I said, 'what do you think about the story I just told you?"

Rud: "I'm sorry, I stopped paying attention when I realized it wasn't about me."

Switsky: "Oh yeah, that's why."

The waiters return with the check and it's divided up among us.  Jan insists on paying less since he only had water. 

Jill: "Well this was a fun outing.  Should we do this again next Sunday?"

Bill: "I'm busy."

Dan: "I'm completely booked."

Jill: "What about the following week?"

Jon: "Yeah, that's no good.  I have karate class."

Amy: "I'm having a baby."

Tyler: "I'm getting my driver's license."

Larry: "Wrestlemania."

Bill: "Winsterslaws."

Jill: "That's not a word."

Rud: "Yeah, we're never doing this again."

Larry: "Woo hoo!"

Bill: "Go Orange!"

Dan: "Go Blue!"

Rud: "Go Seahawks!"

Larry: "Go Yankees as long as they don't win too much to undermine my relentless arguments for and/or against and/or about the salary cap and major league salaries and their applicability to all sports situations that take away from any enjoyment of the game itself!"

Jan: "Go Rounders!"

Robyn:  "Elliot Yamin!"

The restaurant staff:  "Go home!"

And with that, we gathered our coats, said our goodbyes, and left the Crown Palace after my first and last experience with Dim Sum.  Thank you Jill for arranging it.  It was a job... done.

Waiter 1: "Pai Gow."

Waiter 2: "Mahjongg."

Waiter 3: "Feng shui."

Hostess: "Thank you, come again."

Comments

[Bobby]

Wǒ de qìdiànchuán zhuāngmǎn le shànyú

[Bill]

Your hovercraft is unlikely to be filled with eels.

[Flavorless]

The beer was quite tasty and the price was good. The best part of the meal was the ice cream we had back at The SeaDen.

[yguyguy]

racism is funny

[LegFuJohnson]

Big John Studd & Mr. Fuji...

Nice, nice.

[Tyler]

I did not curse at this brunch. I am not a potty mouth