Are You Ready for Some Football?

Yes, opening day is still a few weeks away.  Yes, the Phillies have a tenuous hold on first place.  And yes, we're right in the heart of a surprisingly exciting Olympics.  But I haven't done one of these in forever and I couldn't think of a better scenario than Opening Day inside "Poor Amy's"/"The SeaDen"/"Rudnick's basement".  So here goes.  And for those regular readers of the blog who don't know me personally, just move on until tomorrow.  There's nothing to see here.

(Bill arrives on a surprisingly warm Sunday in early September wearing his JaMarcus Russell jersey and carrying a twelve pack of Circus Boy.  He parks around the corner from the house so he can make a stealthy escape.  A flag featuring Seahawks colors hangs from the house.  Bill turns around to head back to the car.  Rudnick spots him first.)

Rud: "Bill, where are you going?"
Bill: "Damn."
Rud: "Come on in to the SeaDen, IT'S OPENING DAY!!!"
Bill: "Fuck."
Rud: "No, seriously, why are you still walking away?"
Bill: "I left something in my car."
Rud: "Oh, okay, come on in as soon as you can - I've got the satellite dish and all 3 TVs hooked up and plenty of Jack Daniels.  We're ready to go!  Go Seahawks, Super Bowl season!"
Bill: (opens beer, pours it down throat) "Fuck."

Jill and Lenny pull up.

Rud (standing in the driveway): "Happy Opening Day!"
Jill: "Happy Opening Day to you!" 
Lenny:  "Well officially, Opening Day was on Thursday.  To be accurate, you should be greeting us with 'Happy First Sunday of the Season' or 'Happy Three Days After Opening Day'."
Rud:  "F Lenny."

Jill: "Why is Bill climbing into his car with a beer in his hand?"
Lenny: "It's the weekend.  What else would he be doing?"
Jill: "Good point."

(Switsky and one of the Divisions pull up)

Switsky: "Go Seahawks!"
Rud: "Oh yeah, baby!  Happy Opening Day!"
Switsky: "Happy Opening Day to you!"
Lenny: "Well officially, Opening Day was on Thursday.  You should really come up with a better greeting."
Tyler Switsky: "F Lenny."

Rud: "We should all get inside.  The games are about to start."
Switsky:  "What time do the Seahawks play?"
Rud: "10 am."
Jill: "Huh?  I thought all games started at 1."
Rud: "10 am pacific time.  1 o'clock here."
Jill: "That's helpful."
Rud: "Woo hoo!"
Tyler (to his father): "These are your friends?"

(Dan, Jan, and Ryan the Stalker are downstairs in the basement, huddled around two 13" televisions from the mid '80s and a rear projection flat screen from the mid '90s.  Amy watches a re-run of American Idol on the brand new 52" LCD screen upstairs.)

Ryan: "That's a really nice bar you have down here.  Can I get a beer?"
Rud: "Sure, help yourself."

(Thump)

Rud: "Watch your head."
Jan: "The pre-game's almost over.  Which games are we watching?"
Rud: "Well obviously the Seahawks are on the main screen.  I don't really care what other games you watch."
Dan: "I figured St. Louis/ Philly because it should be a competitive game and then of course, Jets / Miami."
Lenny: "As long as we can flip to Baltimore / Cincy, because I have Chad Johnson in 2 leagues and I'm going against him in a third, and I have the Baltimore defense and I'm going against Carson Palmer in a fourth.  But I don't really care about that league as much.  I have Housh in my 5th league but I should win that game easily."
Jan: "F Lenny."

(Thump)

Ryan: "Ow."
Rud: "Watch your head."

Tyler (to his father):  "Seriously, dad.  These are the people you hang out with?"

The Jets game begins.

Switsky: "Jan, who are you rooting for?"
Jan: "No comment."
Jill: "Wait, aren't you a Dolphins fan?"
Jan: "No comment."
Dan: "You're not actually rooting for the Jets?"
Jan:  (rocking back and forth in his seat): "No comment."
Switsky: "Look, Jan, Chad's taking the field in his Dolpins jersey!  What do you think about that?"
Jan:  "No fucking comment!  Shut the fuck up!  Would everyone just shut the hell up!  I only have one joy in life -- rooting against teams that other people are fans of and now the Jets have Favre and my Dolphins have Mrs. fucking Chad Pennington and her 6-yard arm strength and the Yankees just won 10 in a row to take over first place proving Bill right with his payroll argument, but I don't care because they fucking win every year and the Rangers are already out of it and Jeter's the best shortstop in the AL and I just can't take any of this any more!"
Lenny: "No, seriously who are you rooting for?"
Jan: "F LENNY!  I'm going to the bathroom."
Tyler: "Okay, that was funny."

Bill comes stumbling down the stairs.  He has a six pack of Circus Boy in his hand.

Jill: "You know, Jonathan, you're awfully calm with the Seahawks game about to start."
Rud:  "Well it's only the first game of the year.  It's not that important.  There are more important things in life than football and the Seahawks and some stupid game.  As long as everyone here is happy and my lovely wife is with me, all is well."
Bill: "What the fuck was that?"
Rud: "It's the new Jonathan.  I've turned over a new leaf."

The Seahawks line up for the kickoff.

Jill: "Wow, that's really nice to hear.  I have to be honest, I was a little worried when Larry wanted to drag me here to watch football.  I heard horror stories of how crazy you get."
Rud (laughs as he sips on a cup of wine): "Crazy?  Well, maybe.  But that is all in the past."

New kicker Olindo Mare gives it a full effort and nearly kicks the ball to the 20.  Roscoe Parrish fields the kick.

Rud: "It's all part of my new philosophy -- 'enjoy life, don't sweat the small things' -- I read this really great book on the subject --"
Dan: "I think I read that too."

Parrish runs out to the 40 and eludes two attempted tackles,

Rud: "Yes, who was the author?  He was brilliant.  Changed my life."

Parrish blasts through midfield.  Mare has a beat on him.

Rud: "I can give you a copy, Jill.  You might find it to be a great resource."

Mare runs out of bounds rather than try to tackle him.  Parrish has an open field.

Rud:  "Bill, could you hold this glass for me?"
Bill: "Um... sure?"

Rud hands Bill the glass of wine.  Parrish runs into the end zone.  The Buffalo crowd is roaring through the professionally installed speakers of Jonathan's basement.  The room is otherwise silent.

Lenny: "Nice, nice, I've got the Bills D in my 7th league."

Rud punches Lenny in the face.

Rud: "Motherfucking motherfucker whore bitch Olindo fucking Mare fucking Holmgren piece of shit motherfuckers, goddamn bastard (bleep) fucks with their fucking (bleep) and their goddamn (bleepin') shit with the fucking (bleep) and the fuck.  Goddamn it, I need a shot.  Now!"

Tyler: "Nice, nice."

Dan: "So who's hosting poker this week?"
Lenny:  "Pete.  He cracked my aces with a ridiculous 2 pair on the river."
Switsky:  "Oh my god, that was the worst hand ever.  Pete's the luckiest player in the world.  I never get that lucky."
Jill: "Well some may say that in poker, one makes his own luck."
Switsky: "No way, you don't know how many times I get screwed.  I had trip 10s on the flop and bet heavy and Shawn called with nothing and hit the flush on the river.  That's bullshit."
Cheese: "Yes, but some may say that in poker, one makes his own luck."
Switsky: "That's true.  Good point."
Jill: "Huh?"

Bill: "When did Chiesi get here?"
Melluse: "He came in behind me."
Switsky: "Ding ding ding ding"

Dan: "Who's going to poker this week?"
Cheese: "I'll be there."
Lenny: "Me and Jill are going."
Melluse: "It's at my brother's house, so I'll be there."
Switsky: "I don't know yet.  I'm a maybe."
Melluse: "A maybe?  You haven't missed a game in 73 straight weeks and you only missed that one because you were in the hospital with a 104 degree fever."
Lenny: "I heard he tried to conference call in but Billy couldn't figure out how to get virtual cards in his hand."
Cheese: "I'm still working on that one."

Bill: "When did Melluse get here?"
Sufjan Stevens: "He came in behind me."
Cheese and Switsky: "Ding ding ding ding!"

Melluse: "Enough with that bullshit.  How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not gay!  Just because when you look up my name on Google, it gets linked to a Vague Space post that says I'm gay doesn't mean it's true."
Lenny: "Very little on that blog is true."
Sufjan Stevens: "Oh, I agree with that.  He had me as the #9 greatest artist.  That's ridiculous.  I'm better than those jerkoffs in Explosions in the Sky any day of the week."

Amy: "Where's Jonathan?"
Cheese: "Dan, you're first to act."
Sufjan Stevens: "I mean, they're from Texas for crying out loud.  We all know only steers and queers come from Texas -- no offense, Chris."
Melluse: "I'm not gay!"
Cheese and Switsky: "Ding ding ding ding!"
Amy: "Seriously, has anyone seen my husband?"

Jonathan cries softly in the corner of the room.

Cheese: "Dan, you're still first to act."
Dan: "Huh?  Are we playing poker?"
Cheese: "Why else would I be here?"
Switsky: "Ding ding ding ding!"
Tyler: "I don't know what that means."
Bill: "No one does."

Jill: "Has anyone seen Jan?  Favre just threw a touchdown."
Lenny: "He did?  How could you see that on a 13" TV?"
Sufjan Stevens: "I made a lot of mistakes, in my mind, in my mind..."
Bill:  "Stop singing, Sufjan, you're not moving up the list."

Pete:  "I really need a headcount for this week's game.  Are you sure you can't commit Matt?"
Switsky: "I don't know yet.  I really don't feel like playing this week.  I mean, I might come, but I might not.  I really don't know yet."
Cheese: "You went to a game 2 hours from your house in a massive snowstorm and beat three girls and Rocco's wife."
Pete: "I didn't even go to that one."
Melluse: "When did my brother get here?"
Sufjan Stevens: "He drove down with me."
Lenny: "Isn't Rocco's wife a girl?"
Switsky: "Just put me down as a maybe.  I'm really just too busy lately."
Cheese: "I'll raise to 200."
Dan: "I call."
Rud: "You're busy?!  In the past two weeks I had to buy a new outdoor grill AND calibrate my televisions.  I'm like the busiest person in the world."
Jill: "Huh?"
Lenny: "I'll re-raise to 550."

George Bush: "I haven't been too busy lately.  I went to China for vacation, and then I heard there was a little war in Georgia or something so I called my good buddy Saxby Chambliss to see if he needed me to send in some troops and he said: 'George, you old fool, that's the Georgia in Russia - you know, the commie bastards, that's who's fighting!'  I told him, 'Well thank god, because we don't have any troops to send.' And then we laughed and laughed and I watched some beach volleyball with that cute Mistie May facing off against some of those Chinese women with the (bleep) eyes and the flat (bleep)."

Pete: "Hey, my wife is Asian.  I don't appreciate those comments."
Cheese: "Switsky's wife is black."
Tyler: "Mom's black?"
Switsky: "No, it's a joke."
Tyler: "Seriously, dad, these people?  Really?"
George Bush: "Hey Pete, let me ask you -- does your wife (bleep) (bleep) with the (bleep) (bleep) on her (bleep) roll?"

Dan punches George in the face.

Sufjan Stevens: "When did the president get here?"
Cheese: "I'm all in."
Jan:  "Billy, you're ready for the softball game, right?"
Cheese: "Um, when is that again?"
Jan: "It's in two weeks, September 17th at 7 pm on Field #5.  I expect everyone to be there at 4 pm.  We're going to have a 1 hour infield practice, followed by cut-off drills and then intensive batting practice for the next 2 hours before the game."
Lenny: "Then we'll go lose."

Jan punches Lenny in the face.

Sufjan Stevens: "Yeah I heard you guys really suck.  Didn't someone ground into a triple play?"
Pete: "A triple play?  In softball?  That's not possible."
Jan: "Well, officially, it wasn't a triple play."
Sufjan Stevens: "Yes, but someone did get thrown out at first base on a single to left center, right?  I read that on Vague Space."
Switsky: "Like someone said, never trust anything on Vague Space."
Dan: "Except the stuff about George Bush.  That's 100% accurate."
Bill: "Go Obama!"
Rud: "I'm voting for McCain."
Jill: "Why?"

(The sound of crickets chirping)

Bill: "Dan, can you get me a beer while you're up?"
Dan: "Sure."
Bill: "Watch your head."
Dan: "What?"
Bill: "Oh.  Nothing.  Never mind."

Switsky: "Read 'em and weep, you bastards, three of a kind!"
Cheese: "Um, Matt, Larry showed a flush two minutes ago."
Switsky: "Damn it!  I have the worst luck in the world!  Lenny motherfucking LegFu bastard fuck mother (bleep) (bleep) Jew (bleep)."
Melluse: "Wow."

Sufjan Stevens: "Is this the longest post in history, or what?"
Tyler: "It sure seems like it."
Jill: "It almost seems like he can't come up with an ending and is just dragging it out."
Bill: "And that he thinks these meta comments about writing the post while he's writing the post are somehow cool and/or funny."
Rud: "It's not that funny."
Sufjan Stevens: "He's really not as funny as he used to be."
Bill: "F Sufjan."
Pete: "F George Bush."
George Bush: "At least my brother's not gay."
Melluse: "I'm not gay!" 

(Disclaimer:  He's really not, this is just a joke.  If you are related to him and Googled his name and found this site, it's really, really just a joke.  And hi, Mrs. Melluse!  Your daughter is the best Melluse kid by far, and I've never even met her.)

Bill: "F the Jews."
Switsky: "I second that."
Tyler: "Dad, we're Jewish."
Amy: "Almost everyone in the room is."
Bill: "Exactly."
Tyler: "Okay, I can see your point."

Jill: "Favre scores again!"
Switsky: "J - E - T - S  Jets! Jets! Jets!"

Jan punches himself in the face.

Lenny: "Nice, nice."
Cheese: "Does anyone know the Seahawks score?"
Dan: "I think they're losing like 31-0.  Not sure.  Jonathan disconnected the satellite dish and canceled Direct TV, vowing to never watch another game in the 'SeaDen' again after this debacle."
Jan: "You mean 'Poor Amy's'?"

Rud punches himself in the face.

Amy: "Yes?"
Sufjan Stevens: "Thank you for your hospitality, but I need to get going.  I've got to release another album soon.  Okkervil River is breathing down my neck for the 9th slot."
Switsky: "Good luck with that."
Dan: "Hey, can I get a ride to the bus station?"
Sufjan Stevens: "Sure, can you just grab that guitar?"

Dan reaches for the guitar, has a seizure mid-grab, and inadvertently punches himself in the face.

Lenny: "Nice, nice."
Cheese: "I can't believe this post is still going."
Tyler: "I thought it was going to end paragraphs ago."
Bill: "We all did."
Rud: "It's getting late.  I have to go to bed soon."
Jill: "It's four o'clock."
Rud: "Exactly.  It's getting late."
Tyler: "What? I go to bed at ten and I'm thirteen years old."
Rud: "That's  pretty late.  I like to call it a night at 9:30.  Those Olympics were killing me."
Tyler: "That's ridiculous, a grown man should not be in bed before eleven under any circumstances."
Amy: "He's not a grown man."
Lenny: "Nice, nice."

Tyler: "Dad, seriously?"
Switsky: "Eh, what else do you want me to do?  Spend time with your mother?"

(Disclaimer #2: The lovely Mrs. Switsky is well worth spending time with under any circumstances, and Matt agrees.  This is strictly a work of fiction.  Except for all the parts about Rudnick).

Dan: "Could you cover your ass any more?'
Bill: "Would you want to see Robyn mad at you?"
Dan: "Oh god, no."

Cheese: "Wow, this is still going on."
Jill: "It's basically torture at this point."
Tyler: "I wonder if anyone is still reading."
Pete: "My mom might be."
Melluse: "F Bill."
George Bush: "Heh heh, moms are hot."
Dan: "What does that even mean?"
Lenny:  "No one knows; even the nonsequitors don't make sense in this post."
Sufjan Stevens: "F Vague Space."
Barack Obama: "I happen to like this site.  It makes a lot of valid points.  Did you see the post about ending our dependence on oil in 10 years?  The guy is brilliant."
Rud: "F Obama."

Barack Obama punches Rud in the face.

Dan: "Holy shit!  The Seahawks are coming back!  The score just flashed 31-28."
Ryan: "Yes!  Go Seahawks!"
Pete: "Who's that guy?"
Cheese: "No idea."
Jill: "I think he was here at the beginning and Bill forgot about him."
Bill: "I'm not going back to change it now.  Do you know how long it takes to write one of these?"
Lenny: "Going meta again I see?  Isn't that getting a little old?"
Bill: "Eh."
Dan: "Someone should wake Jonathan up.  I think the Seahawks are driving."

Barack Obama is speaking into his earpiece.

Obama: "I'm sorry, what was that?  Oh my god, that's horrible!  We need to act immediately!"
Dan: "What happened?  The war in Georgia?  Problems in Iraq?"
Obama:  "No.  I just heard that Matt Hasselbeck blew out his knee trying to bring the team back and will be lost for the year!"
Rud: (groggy, sitting up)  "Hassel beck?"
Obama: "Yeah, I've got him on my fantasy team.  We've got to pick someone else up immediately!"
Lenny: "Nice, nice.  How many leagues are you in?"
Ryan: "Did they win the game?"
Sufjan Stevens: "Who?"
Rud: "The Seahawks - did they win?"

Obama listens intently to the ear piece.  Rud and Ryan wait with baited breath.  Switsky digs into a food spread that Amy has laid out next to the bar.  Pete and Cheese join him.

Obama: "Wow, that's great news!  Ok, thanks."
Ryan: "They won?"
Rud: "They won!!!"
Obama: "Who?"
Dan: "Jesus, did the Seahawks win or what?"
Obama: "The Seahawks?  I have no idea.  But Lee Evans got me two touchdowns today."
Rud: "WHAT ABOUT THE SEAHAWKS!!"
Obama: "Don't know.  No one actually follows football for the teams anymore, do they?"
Lenny: "Nice, nice."
Rud: "F LENNY!!"

Pete: "Hey, are these chicken fingers?"
Cheese: "Yes, I hear they're quite delicious."
Amy: "Try the chicken with sauce.  That's the house specialty."
Tyler: "F Bill."

 Jill: "Go Giants!"
Dan: "Go Blue!"
Sufjan Stevens: "I'm from Michigan!"
Dan: "Go Blue!"
Lenny: "Go Adrian Peterson!"
Bill: "Yes!"
Obama: "Go me!"
Bill: "Yes!"
George Bush: "Go get me another one of them chicken fingers.  Them's really tasty."

America punches George Bush in the face.

Ryan: "Go Seahawks?"

Rud punches The Stalker in the face.

Matt Hasselbeck (in a hospital in upstate New York): "Ow. Ow. Ow."
Lenny: "Nice, nice."

Mike Holmgren punches Lenny in the face.

Holmgren: "Hey, are those chicken fingers?  I heard they're quite good."

THE END.

Thanks for reading!

Comments

[LegFuJohnson]

"Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" - he should have said that. You need to consult me on these things.

[Dan]

Bill have you moved from Beer to Crack? What the hell was this? (Thanks for letting me punch GWB though, I did enjoy that part very much).

[SeaDen]

Sadly I think most of the things in this post are true which is why nobody is invited over to watch football this year other than Ryan because he is a true Hawks fan and the only person I know who appreciates what I have tried to accomplish over the past 10 years.

[Bill]

No crack. It did drift a little more into fiction towards the end. Sufjan likes being in these scenarios though. I had to appease him.

[Hallelujah]

We're not invited to the SeaDen??? WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!

[LegFuJohnson]

You've actually been trying to accomplish something?

Sorry it hasn't worked out.

[supra shoes black]

À mon avis, un gouvernement de sauvegarde / sauvetage / plan de financement n'est pas la solution pour résoudre cette crise, et bravo à la Chambre de ne pas autoriser ce plan pour passer. L'idée de fournir des «bien-être social» de ces institutions financières est une blague (peu importe qu'il s'agisse d'un achat réduit qui peut ou ne peut pas financièrement se rembourser plus tard).

Il existe d'autres alternatives pour résoudre cette crise qui ne charge pas gravement la charge du contribuable américain (la façon dont le plan actuel ne). Mais, espérons que ces alternatives seront examinées rapidement avant qu'il ne s'aggrave ... oh, et que les dirigeants nationaux cherchent la sagesse de Dieu dans ce processus ci-dessus toute autre chose.

[English taobao]

Wow! Très belles photos.