I attended my first ever bar mitzvah experience this weekend and for the first time in my life, I found a real reason to hate the Jews. Just kidding. But the service was long. And about as exciting as my drive between Altavista, VA and Greensboro, NC on Friday. There was a lot of Hebrew being spoken, which wasn't really translated, but I think the gist of most of the phrases was "We hate Jesus, let's kill some Christians." I could be mistaken of course. The event took place in a Presbyterian church which doubles as a temple when they remove the crosses and any sign of holiness and replace them with dollar signs and a stock ticker. Not exactly, but the readings from the Bible (or the first half of the Bible -- they don't really use that pesky little "New Testament" at all) featured portions on raising crops, trading shares, and other tenets of economics in the middle Ages. I feel like I learned more about finance at the bar mitzvah than the Accounting for Managers course I took back in college in the early '90s. So that was helpful. The service also featured an inspiring portion in which the young bar mitzvah walked around with a big rug that housed some holy scrolls or something and let everyone in the congregation touch it with their "bible". I think I saw some of the older Jewish women weep, although perhaps that was because there was a huge sale at Nordstrom's that they were missing for the event.
Unlike every Catholic service I've ever attended, no collection plates were passed around, which was a relief. I guess the Jews don't need to beg for cash in the middle of their important events. Either they've found a more discreet way to pay for their religion, or they don't have to buy off nearly as many victims of priest abuse. Either way, that was nice. It was also refreshing to see a female rabbi and cantor lead the service, especially since the Catholics don't let women anywhere near such positions of importance. Very enlightened religion, if you ask me, and the rabbi started channeling Al Gore at the end, with talk about the importance of saving our environment. I'm not sure exactly what she said, because I was half asleep at the time, but I think she passed around coupons for compact fluorescents. The Jews do not pay retail.
After the service, we reconvened at the luxurious Fun House in Highstown, NJ, a spectacular oasis of fun and games -- if it was 1982. In 2008, this miniature Dave and Buster's was a little disappointing, since their most modern arcade game was The Simpsons Game, circa 1990. A vintage collection of Atari's greatest was perfect for the nostalgic among us -- I got the high score twice on Ms. Pac-Man -- but I'm not sure the kids knew what a Centipede was or why they should want to play it. There were some air hockey and a couple of hoop shots and a pool table, but when the highlights of your game room are a few skee-ball lanes, it's time to invest in an upgrade. On the bright side, the Switskys thought of me and supplied beer for the party. Nothing like drinking Corona while waiting for some kid to finish playing Pole Position. Good times.
The party was a lot of fun, though. There were plastic globes on all the tables (closeout special at Target!), South Africans in leather outfits (don't ask), and T-shirts made by my father which surprisingly had no spelling errors. The eclectic catered food featured a selection of chicken fingers, fries, chicken fingers, chicken in sauce, pasta in sauce, chicken fingers, and some chicken fingers, which were tasty. There were also some salads and fruits and an impressive dessert tray featuring black-and-white cookies, which were quite good. I was a little disappointed not to find any kugel or knishes, but I guess the party hosts wanted something actually edible. The event closed with a touching montage of pictures of Tyler and family from his birth through now, a captivating 13 years that featured a beardless Switsky, a big-haired Robyn, and lots of pictures of the family dog. Rudnick was extremely disappointed that he wasn't shown on the montage, but I think we can all agree that Robyn's brother from Chicago outshined him during the event.
Congratulations to Tyler on the big day. Thanks to Robyn and Matt for inviting me. It was quite an experience. Congratulations too for Jill and Lenny, who unofficially announced that after 5+ years together they are finally going all the way by splitting a rent bill together. I'm sure Jill's parents are proud. Or will be, when they actually hear the "big" news. No word on how long Jill will allow the WWE to be watched in her living room. And speaking of bad television, Tyler and I discussed the season finale of The Hills, not that I watch it or anything. But can you believe Spencer interrupted Heidi's business dinner in Vegas just to whine to her about coming back to LA? What an ass. And what a party. I have a nice embroidered yarmulke as a keepsake, although I'm fairly certain the memories of the event will last regardless. I can't say I've ever started a day listening to two hours of Hebrew and ended it by playing Asteroids. But congratulations, Tyler, you are a man now. Time to get a job that you hate and spend the rest of your life complaining about it.
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