It's Not TV. It's HBOver.

If you are one of the 20 million subscribers to HBO who spent the last two weeks dissecting the Sopranos finale and wondering whether it was truly brilliant cinema or a David Chase mindfuck, you're probably also wondering whether or not to cancel your subscription to HBO -- unless you already have.  And if you're not, what exactly are you paying $13.95 a month for?  Entourage?  And.... Entourage?  Did you watch this week's episode?  Did you really pay $13.95 to see Billy Walsh go psycho crazy and hit on an extra while Ari and Drama and Turtle were relegated to bit parts and Vince was unrecognizable under 20 pounds of makeup and a Spanish accent and language?  I'm sorry, but Entourage is a decent little pseudo-comedy that isn't often all that funny and is mostly just amusing.  It's certainly not worth $13.95 a month (or whatever I'm paying for HBO... it might be more than that).  So what else is there?  I made it through about 15 minutes of John from Cincinnati, which has to be longer than anyone else besides relatives of the producers lasted.  I mean, you're asking a lot by putting a rapidly aging Luke Perry in the opening scene and expecting people to stick with the show.   Combine that with the decaying remains of Rebecca De Mornay as the grandmother of a family of surfers whose husband starts floating inexplicably in the second scene of the show and who enters her 13-year-old grandson in a surfing competition, which apparently is the most audacious possible thing she could ever do, given the rest of the characters' reactions.  Except for the grandson's, whose reactions ranged from blank stare to blank stare while flubbing his lines.  Nice choice of actors there, producers.  Oh, and there's this strange guy "John" who repeats the line "Some things I know, and some things I don't," apropos of absolutely nothing, at least seventeen times too many in the parts of the show I watched.  Does it get better?  Who the fuck knows?  I stopped watching.

HBO is still advertising Curb Your Enthusiasm as being part of their remaining stable of hits, but it's been well over a year since Larry David has been in a new episode and I haven't heard anything about another season.  He should have more free time on his hand -- what, with his impending divorce and all -- and he probably needs more money, but it certainly isn't worth filling the network's coffers just to stick around and find out if it's true.  There's the new show Flight of the Conchords, some kind of mocku-mentory that USA Today's lukewarm review made me very reluctant to sample.  I've never watched Big Love or Deadwood or The Wire -- are those shows still on?  And yes, I do appreciate Bill Maher's political views (if not his weak attempts at humor), but I'm not shelling out $13.95 a month to observe he and Ben Affleck discussing Iraq (even though I'll admit that discussion was rather fascinating, especially the parts where Affleck actually sounded like he knew what he was talking about... shocking, I know).

So what's left?  Well, there's the movies.  Back in the early '80s when cable began, the "movie channels" were the big deal.  Not only could you see uncut versions of major motion pictures at home on your own television screen, but you could see them less than a year after they left the theater (and watch them over and over as they appeared all month long).  When cable was first wired down my street in suburban Deptford, we had the choice of two "movie channels" -- HBO or PRISM, which was a Philadelphia-based station that also got a contract for Phillies games.  We went with PRISM for the Phillies and I never got to watch the phenomenon that was HBO except over friends' houses at least until college.  After college, of course, I subscribed to every movie channel available - Showtime, Starz, Encore, Skinemax (for the articles), and yes, HBO (I actually had PRISM somehow in the first apartment I lived in post-college in Piscataway, but they went out of business at some point in the mid-90s, folded into the Comcast corporate monolith).  When digital cable arrived and the movie channels expanded to approximately a dozen different channels each, I had my choice of something like 60 different movies at the same time.  Which was awesome.  For about 10 days.  Then I realized I'd seen every movie I wanted to see either at the theater or on VCR or on DVD or on In Demand or via Blockbuster or Netflix or iTunes or Bit Torrent.  Basically, the days of my need (or anyone's need) for movie channels was going the way of the dinosaur.  On demand viewership of every movie ever made may not be here yet, but it's coming soon, and movie channels are clearly on their last legs.  And somewhere around there, I realized that just because I had 60 different movie channels, it didn't mean I ever watched any of them.  I mean, there's only so many times you can watch Die Hard III on Starz! West before thinking, "I could be doing something a lot more fun than this."  Plus, Comcast's deals for the super packages basically all expired and I decided it wasn't worth an extra $40 a month to have the option of Miss Congeniality at midnight on six different stations.

For nearly two years now, I've only subscribed to HBO (and its eleven stations).  I missed out on Season 2 of Weeds on Showtime, which I regret, but the DVD is coming out soon and I honestly haven't knowingly missed out on a single other thing on any other channel in those two years.  I can't tell you the last time I watched a movie on HBO - I'm sure it's happened, I just don't remember - so basically I've been paying $13.95 a month for the last year to see about 20 episodes of Entourage and 10 episodes of The Sopranos.  Not exactly a great value for my money. 

It's hard to do, and I feel incredibly cheap -- like Jan and Koren trying to figure out a tip at Fox & Hound -- but I think when I call Comcast to order a new remote after mine inexplicably stopped working, I'll ask them to cancel HBO while I'm on the phone.  Or maybe I'll just wait until Entourage's season is over.  It's not TV.  It's over.

Comments

[O]

Buy/rent season 1 (or any other season for that matter) of the Wire this summer if you're bored and you'll be hooked. Best show on TV, nothing else is even close. It alone makes HBO worth it. Also, Flight of the Conchords was actually pretty funny and Curb is coming back in the fall.

[Redwolve]

I watched Season 1 of 'The Wire' this year and was unimpressed. Yes, it was incredibly well produced and complex (too much so), but I didn't find it that compelling. I watched a few episodes of Season 2 and gave up.

Don't shortchange Jan - he did leave an average of $2.50 tip last year for 10 hours of watching football which is double what Koren used to leave.

[Bill]

Curb is coming back in the fall? Hmmm... very interesting. I actually watched about half an episode of The Wire once I think and was rather enthralled even though I didn't know who any of the characters were. The acting was excellent. So maybe I'll give it a shot. A

nd I'm clearly joking about Jan - he always leaves at least 15% of his purchase. The fact that he orders one meal, one dessert, and 17 waters over 10 hours at a bar trying to make money off of alcohol purchases does not mean he needs to overtip.

[Jan Aronson]

hey, at least I didn't put my bare feet in the chip bowl.........

[Switsky]

I watched both episodes of John from Cincinnati and sort of liked it. This weeks Entourage I thought was not good at all and cant wait for the new season of Curb.

As for being cheap...No one is cheaper than Jan and Koren. Koren is #1 and Jan #2. At least i tip well when I order 137 limes with my club soda

[Ira]

But Koren only had a coke.

[Redwolve]

I think Jan should tip at least 50 cents for each of the 17 waters he gets on a Sunday. Godforbid you should order a beer while watching 10 hours of football.

[SidSeizure]

Hey as long as we're on the subject of F&H, who wants to give me a ride there in the fall?

[Bill]

I think Redwolve will volunteer to pick you up at the train station and take you there. It would be out of his way to drive that extra 10 minutes into New Brunswick to take you the entire way, though.

[Redwolve]

New Brunswick is right on the way from Plainsboro. Bill will be happy to pick you up on the way and drive you home. At least until Week 4 when he gives up on football for the season again.

[Bill]

I don't live in Plainsboro. LegFu does though.