This week's South Park tackles the suddenly ubiquitous subject of attractive female teachers having sex with male students, but does it in as least tactful and most disturbing way as possible. Of course, anything else would have been a surprise. The side story features Cartman installed as a hall monitor, and the power of the position, as usual, goes straight to his head. His initial run-in with the current hall monitor doesn't go so well though:
- Hall Monitor: "I've been instructed to bring you to the principal's office."
- Cartman: "Oh suck my balls, you ginger jew rat hall monitor. You punk ass stooly, who the fuck do you think you are?"
That's the Cartman we know and love.
The teacher in question this episode is Miss Stevenson, the kindergarten teacher, who is having relations with Ike, Kyle's little brother. As if the idea of that weren't disturbing enough, the South Park writers actually show them making out and in bed together. Ike can't even form sentences, but he is "in love" with his teacher, and when Kyle discovers what happened, he goes to his parents, but Ike doesn't let him tell them. He decides to go to the police.
- Cop: "Some young buy is having sex with Miss Stevenson? Nice."
- Kyle: "Wait, you don't understand."
- Cop: "No, no wait -- has she performed oral sex on the boy?"
- Kyle: "I think so."
- Cop: "Nice."
The social commentary in play in this episode is how adult males, at least those in South Park, are confused but not disturbed by an attractive young teacher having sex with a student, and end up praising the student for "getting some." Of course, the fact that Ike is in kindergarten is the writers' way of showing the folly of that argument, but all in all, it's not exactly the strongest episode. Cartman ends up providing all the highlights.
- Kyle: "Ike isn't old enough to understand."
- Cartman: "What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some, then stick it inside her and pee."
But Cartman decides to help Kyle after he catches the teacher and Ike making out in the hall, which is strictly forbidden in the Hall Monitor Code. He has turned into "The Dawg", wearing a blonde wig, beard and calling everyone "Brah", as a tough pseudo-cop on the beat, and he assembles a team to track down the teacher, who has kidnapped Ike and plans to fly to Milan. (why Milan? no one knows.) The Dawg's team is as follows:
- Leeroy, "Dawg's Assistant"
- Earl, "Dawg's Driver"
- Beth, "Dawg's Bitch"
- Kyle, "Jew"
They track down the teacher at a hotel, and after spraying various guests with bear mace, they follow her and Ike up to the roof. The police have come, not because of the kidnapping, but because some kid is going around spraying everyone with bear mace, and they get to the roof also. The teacher decides to end it all, but Ike fakes her out, and she jumps off the roof alone. Cartman, as always, wraps up the lesson for us all.
- The Dawg: "I hope you kids learned if you don't go with Christ, you'll end up like that splattered bitch down below."
This has been a very weak season by South Park standards so far, and while this episode had the most laughs, it was also the most disturbing... not Oprah's vagina disturbing, but troubling nonetheless. Please, Matt and Trey, start returning to form. As one of the few shows I am still regularly watching, I need it to be good.